And so I went travelling; seeking, a quest of sorts for the kind of tantric experience that i had in my imagination. I wasn't sure where to look but set out optimistic that i would find my Tantrica, the Shakti to my Shiva.
Don't get me wrong; i'm no new ager; crystals and tarot, angel healing and all that. I'm born and bred of a science family and schooled in "rationalist" thought and scientific method. Non the less, the age old teachings are based on an intuitive wisdom, upon experience of life on earth, the human condition and are rich with archetypes, symbols, and metaphors which speak about that condition and how to make the most of if.
Science simply does not tell the whole story and need not try. We are all linked, i believe, in inexplicable ways, which science has not yet realized although it hints at it, with quantum mechanics, sub-atomic physics, string theory…quarks, strangeness and charm...
As a musician, i must admit that string theory appeals to me but are there not strings attached to such a theory? It seems that there are too many black holes in our collective knowledge to know for sure?
Back to the tantras; At first it seems a childish fantasy, an erotic story tale of spiritual dimensions, a charming distraction. As i dove beneath the surface of that ocean, like a child in glee diving under the covers with a flashlight, late at night, to read a favourite comic book, populated by phosphorescent dreams, my eyes, midn and heart began to open to new possibilities.
music, poetry, the art of dance, the breath, overcoming fear, finding and creating peace, balance, giving freely of ones self, experiencing intimacy, ecstasy and a connection to nature, the universal, are all fundamental to tantra.
I found my self at a sort of "hippy" camp, in California, ostensibly to interview a leading proponent of the polyamorous lifestyle for a video series that i have been working on. I buffered myself from it at first, playing the "journalist", impartial, there to document and learn, more than take part. I felt separated by our differing system of beliefs. Even though i have no religion, no pre-set system of beliefs, but am adrift in a sea of philosophy, and science, and am as effected by currents of thought as the next man i suppose, I do believe in love, even if it is a pleasant illusion we weave for ourselves, like religion itself, it sometimes seems to me.
Since this is about quotes which hold an essential essence of universal truth, i'm going to here, right in the middle of this recollection and observance, quote Ernest Becker, in his amazing work of social anthropology and psychology, Escape from Evil. no..instead of quoting the whole first two pages as i had thought, i'm just going to insist that you buy a copy and read it… nice science fiction intro on the first two pages though; pay special attention to those; you will also want a copy of "The Denial of Death" to refer to while you read Escape from Evil.
But what does that have to do with Tantra? you will see when you find out won't you.
I eventually decided to put down my camera and take one of the Tantra workshops and ended up sitting across from a woman named Grace. Grace was an "angel healer" and was there helping with an acro-yoga workshop. It was as if she had been waiting for me. Once the speaker "facilitator" was done and we were to pair of and experiment, Grace turned to me and took my hand, holding my gaze as she did and said, as if in slow motion it seems to me now, 'feel my heart, breath with me".
Grace was beautiful, blond, looked quite california in her form fitting organic hemp yoga wear, intense sharp and clear gray-blue eyes. I'm an excitable lad and stiffened immediately as my heart began to race and i became conscious of my breathing, a sharp intake of crisp mountain air as Grace took my hand and placed it on her perfectly firm yoga girl breast. As i looked in her eyes i saw her searching, playful, challenging me to engage. She started chanting and i toned with her, providing some droning pulsing bass about an octave or two below her bird song.
After a few moments of this, our breath and heart beats were as one and i felt that i was she and she was I, we wanted to merge our "energies" and so we did, simply by trying to. After the class went off and wandered around the camp ground, high in the dry california mountains. We decided to to a photo shoot and were playful with it, the light was so clear that day and Grace was a dancer, schooled in ballet and gymnastics and moved with such joyous abandonment and glee that the photos are absolutely magic. We kissed and played and had fun, against the backdrop of an old water tower in a field of high grass. We found a giant pine cone and marvelled at its perfection.
I convinced Grace, who had never done anything of the sort before, being rather unexperienced in that sense, that we should take some magic mushrooms and hike into the mountains. We did and truly experienced every aspect of that, the upward urge, the beating heart, the feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment the higher we got. We ended up getting pretty high on that mountain.
We made love near the top of that mountain, on a massive flat boulder, shaded by a tree, which oozed a golden sap, the amber of the future, the dappled sun kissing our skin and the air so fragrant with evergreen, the light california summer breeze enveloped us and coddled us upon that sun warmed rock.
We sang and danced our way down that mountain, along the trail singing, "oh it's the posh posh travelling life, the travelling life for me..first cabin and captains table regal company…i'll take a chance with a girl from france, i'll have the queen for tea, port hup starboard hup, posh with a capital P.O.S.H POSH!!!" for some reason remember that one from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang when i was a child.
Part of finding a tantric experience like that is the intention to do so. We both had it and so we found it together. Nature fully intended us to do so, and built us for just such a thing.
We travelled together for three weeks and had some more amazing experiences together, warm, loving, intimate, creative, ecstatic at times. Grace and I eventually parted ways, mainly due to the fact that my travel money was running out and i had work to do on the series and had to get back to Canada. We tried to make a baby, we two, it did not happen, though we did our best to try, as it was what she desired and i felt that i was ready to be a father and did love her. The fact the it did not happen, that she was upset by that, or disappointed, was another reason that we parted.
I will never forget amazing Grace, what she taught me, what we experienced together, and how truly graceful she was in every way.
